Candy Hudson05 August 2008, 4:00 PM
HD Sex | Candy discovers that sex in Second Life is as messy as in real life, not to mention the added problem of ill-fitting sex organs.
WARNING: If you are offended by descriptions or images of an adult nature, do not continue to Candy's blog below.
Last night I found myself in a compromising position in Second Life. Unfortunately it was a far cry from the stereotypical virtual world fantasy where perfectly formed avatars have seamlessly steamy sex in some tropical island jacuzzi.
There I was in my grungy bachelorette on Siliconicus: Bald, legless (literally) and humping the air half-way up a wall. Oh, and somehow I’d ended up with a trifecta of vaginas. Two roughly where they were supposed to be and one on what was left of my thigh.
Technologically advance? Sure. Sexy? Not so much.
Like so many virtual world misadventures this one occurs when I decide to give my Second Life (SL) avatar a makeover. Instead of heading for the hair salons and shoe stores, however, I decide to shop for the must-have item all the she-geeks are talking about: A designer vagina.
If you’re a virtual virgin, you may not know that entry-level girl avatars in SL only come with bog standard secondary sexual characteristics. There’s no 3D delineation and no chance of ever using them to get it on with other avatars because they’re for decorative purposes only.
(Entry-level boy avatars have it even worse. One mate spent zillions of Linden dollars buying property and fancy clothes in the hope of getting lucky with one of the minxy little numbers he’d seen strutting round the SL sex clubs. Then, when the big moment finally came, he pulled down his daks and discovered he was smooth like a Ken doll. He hadn’t realised that – like Christmas toy batteries – SL penises aren’t included.)
The first step in Operation Personalise Privates is to boost my SL membership to a level which permits physical and sartorial upgrades. Then comes the daunting task of getting out of the house. It’s been ages since I navigated through Second Life and I’m ridiculously rusty – I keep accidentally removing my hair instead of opening doors.
I then make the excruciating faux pas of flying upwards in a tartan miniskirt without wearing undies. If you think this sounds like fun for those below, bear in mind that SL-ers get very cross if you don’t maintain real-world standards of decorum. Watering gardens naked, bonking in art galleries and flying round flashing your entry-level girl parts really isn’t appreciated.
After switching to teleport, I then land on the head of some sleazy, horned devil dude in a sex shop. Fortunately this satanic creation is “away” (i.e. his owner/operator is making a cup of tea or engaging in some other activity which requires two hands) and he remains slumped in a motionless position as I carefully disengage from his phallic headgear.
This particular sex shop sells splashes of bodily fluids and serving trays for topless wenches, as well as a startling range of nipple and anus upgrades. Unfortunately its front bums are all real fizzers. Some look like sting rays made out of Silly Putty. Others don’t look like anything much at all.
Finally, at an emporium called Vagina World, I find it: The Ladylove VS2 3D Vagina. At $600 Linden dollars a pop (the Second Life currency, which in this case translates to around $4 Australian), it’s not cheap, but the blurb on the outside of the packaging does sound terribly promising:
“At last a truly realistic 3D fully functioning vagina you can wear with confidence! This VS2 vagina can be aroused into any one of five states… [and] also responds to touch… [it] will tell you who has touched you and ask you what it should do in response. You may ban the person from touching you or give them permission to arouse you with a simple drop down menu. The VS2 also has the most realistic Cum and Pee in SL [and] can be worn under your clothes ready for instant action…”
It certainly makes my own, real-life wedding tackle seem terribly antediluvian. Can it be aroused into any one of five states? And how on earth have I managed to operate it for so long without the assistance of a handy, drop-down menu?
As you may have gathered, however, my attempt to attach my new vagina and fool around with it is a dismal failure. It’s all my own fault, of course. In the rush to unwrap my purchase back home, I don’t bother reading the instructions and end up installing three at once.
Then, when I try to activate my collection of sex animations, I end up gyrating baldly in mid-air with creepy chopped-off legs and an expression which can only be described as “demented air hostess”.
This, of course, is the sort of stuff you don’t hear about the brave new virtual world: The fact that – despite being billed as an über version of reality – sex in the metaverse is often just as messy, frustrating and embarrassing as sex in the “meat” world.
On the plus side, if other SL users are as hopeless as me at installing their fancy new genitalia, finding sexual partners who are anatomically equipped to service my demanding new groinal region should be a cinch.
Candy Hudson is APC's sex-tech blogger